I know it's been awhile since I have posted anything on here... Months... Things have been really crazy. My heart is all over the place. I struggle to face each new day. I've been running from my heart for 2 1/2 years and it's finally catching up to me, and it's really overwhelming.

I don't even know where to start. There is so much on my mind. I've lost so much. That is one of my life's constants: loss. Hurt. Pain. Grief. I've come to expect it. It's around every corner. So much so that every blessing that comes my way I look for the catch or the terrible thing that is about to happen. Blessings don't come without their pains. That is what life has taught me. It's gotten to a point that I don't know how to receive, accept and revel in the blessings of life, because I am dreading and fearing the pain that is to come. It sounds morbid and twisted but it's the reality within which I live. My soul is tortured by the "what ifs" of life. I don't know how to make it stop. How to trust. How to let go.

Without realizing it, I think that I have become afraid of love. Of loving or being loved. Because by loving or being loved, you open yourself up to hurt. I never thought it would get to this point for me, my heart has always been eager to love and be loved by others, but I have been so hurt in the recent years, that I fear that I forgotten how to love, and love well. I've also forgotten how to let others love me and how to accept that love.

I feel lost. The desire to belong, to be part of something special and tangible remains. Another life-long longing. Belonging. I'm a vagabond in my own life. Never settling in a place long enough to call it my own. Never able to fully master the environment I am in. The hope of belonging is peaking above the horizon, but the night still has its hold upon the sun.

And in all of this I struggle to trust God. Trusting that He is good, He is sovereign and has a good plan for my life. I know all of those things in my head but I struggle to truly believe them, because I have not really experienced those things from God on a daily basis. Yes, I have felt his love, experienced His sovereignty and His blessings, but most of the time I feel as though I am at the hands of a wild God who is unpredictable and random. In His mystery I struggle to claim His sovereignty, and I can only claim the fear of the unknown. I know that I cannot base my belief in God merely upon emotion and experience, but those two factors have played a vital role in where I am today in my relationship with God. I have been avoiding these areas of my life over the last couple of years and now I am having to confront them head-on. I know that I need to address these heart issues, it just means revisiting these old wounds, which raise more questions than answers and cause to me to have to face the pain all over again.

After almost 5 months of silence on xanga, you would think that I would have more happy things to talk about, but unfortunately this is where my heart is. I am attempting to be more authentic with myself, others and God and I hope that maybe I can do some more processing here. It feels good to write. To get it out there. Even if it is only for me. I didn't realize how much I missed writing. Hopefully I will be back to visit again soon.