Well, again, it's been a long time since I have taken the time to blog on here... Part of the problem is that we no longer have internet access at home anymore, so it's more difficult to access it, but mostly because I've realized that this last year 1/2 has been very difficult and it has slowly been building up walls around my heart... So now I'm left alone in this tower that I have built around my heart. People keep trying to climb up and around it, but I keep making the walls higher. Why? Because I'm tired of being hurt, being let down, getting excited about something only to watch it shatter into a million pieces on the ground. It's been a tough year, full of dramatic changes and now that school and the wedding are done, I'm left alone with myself with these wounds screaming at me. The only thing that has been holding me together through all of this is my wonderful husband, who has constantly been encouraging me to return to the Lord with my heart. He has been persistantly pursuing my heart, and I think we finally had a breakthrough last night. We spent part of the evening in prayer, and I felt my heart beat again... There is a long road of healing ahead of me, but hopefully time, and relationships and time with the Lord will help that process along...

I use to envy people who could seemingly "shut their heart off" when things got too hard. I used to the type of person who got upset over many different things, but now I'm just numb. I am what I once envied, and now I hate it. I want to feel again, but I'm afraid to... You'd think that someone with a counseling degree would know how address the issues of her own heart, but right now I'm at a loss. This is a start, writing it out, thinking it through, addressing the issues as they surface, and capturing the moments that my heart resurfaces. I know that I can find it again, it's just going to take some time....