New blog

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that I have a new blog it's: http://neverendingprocess.blogspot.com/ I am not too thrilled with the changes on xanga, so I thought I would open a new blog that doesn't look it's changing anytime soon. Feel free to stop by and say hi! I will be writing more but for right now there are a couple of entries. :)

Love you all!

Thoughts

I know it's been awhile since I have posted anything on here... Months... Things have been really crazy. My heart is all over the place. I struggle to face each new day. I've been running from my heart for 2 1/2 years and it's finally catching up to me, and it's really overwhelming.

I don't even know where to start. There is so much on my mind. I've lost so much. That is one of my life's constants: loss. Hurt. Pain. Grief. I've come to expect it. It's around every corner. So much so that every blessing that comes my way I look for the catch or the terrible thing that is about to happen. Blessings don't come without their pains. That is what life has taught me. It's gotten to a point that I don't know how to receive, accept and revel in the blessings of life, because I am dreading and fearing the pain that is to come. It sounds morbid and twisted but it's the reality within which I live. My soul is tortured by the "what ifs" of life. I don't know how to make it stop. How to trust. How to let go.

Without realizing it, I think that I have become afraid of love. Of loving or being loved. Because by loving or being loved, you open yourself up to hurt. I never thought it would get to this point for me, my heart has always been eager to love and be loved by others, but I have been so hurt in the recent years, that I fear that I forgotten how to love, and love well. I've also forgotten how to let others love me and how to accept that love.

I feel lost. The desire to belong, to be part of something special and tangible remains. Another life-long longing. Belonging. I'm a vagabond in my own life. Never settling in a place long enough to call it my own. Never able to fully master the environment I am in. The hope of belonging is peaking above the horizon, but the night still has its hold upon the sun.

And in all of this I struggle to trust God. Trusting that He is good, He is sovereign and has a good plan for my life. I know all of those things in my head but I struggle to truly believe them, because I have not really experienced those things from God on a daily basis. Yes, I have felt his love, experienced His sovereignty and His blessings, but most of the time I feel as though I am at the hands of a wild God who is unpredictable and random. In His mystery I struggle to claim His sovereignty, and I can only claim the fear of the unknown. I know that I cannot base my belief in God merely upon emotion and experience, but those two factors have played a vital role in where I am today in my relationship with God. I have been avoiding these areas of my life over the last couple of years and now I am having to confront them head-on. I know that I need to address these heart issues, it just means revisiting these old wounds, which raise more questions than answers and cause to me to have to face the pain all over again.

After almost 5 months of silence on xanga, you would think that I would have more happy things to talk about, but unfortunately this is where my heart is. I am attempting to be more authentic with myself, others and God and I hope that maybe I can do some more processing here. It feels good to write. To get it out there. Even if it is only for me. I didn't realize how much I missed writing. Hopefully I will be back to visit again soon.

Spent

why does God keep taking things away from me and keep turning my life upside down?

i'm spent.

"Piece of glass"

I'm not one to post a lot of songs, but this one has hit home yet again. It is something that so many girls struggle with, and it doesn't necessarily go away with time. I pray that one day I will find the freedom that comes from finding one's identity in Christ and Him alone, and that I will be able to see a mirror as just a piece of glass...

Piece of glass

Can’t believe that I did it again
Wake me up from this nightmare
‘Cause this monster is filling me up filling me out

Everyday I live a bit less; one night leads to another
Even if I went back they would recognize me or criticize me

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely. after all you're just a piece of glass

Still this nightmare's all mine, when I call him he answers
I can tell him when to come, when to stay
Sometimes I'm weaker than he is, is he just letting me win
He can tell me when to come, when to stay

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause I just can't tell if you're telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can't rely. after all you're just a piece of glass

Don’t talk, listen
Hold me tighter
Stay with me just for a while
Until the sun shines stay with me
Just give me one more day

Who are you that cries when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace of the person I once was
Cause we're not the same, you're just a picture of me
You’re gone as soon as I leave; you've lived my life for me
And you're no more than a piece of glass
You're no more than just a piece of glass

 From Caedmon's Call "Long line of leavers"

Learning to live from the heart again..

Well, again, it's been a long time since I have taken the time to blog on here... Part of the problem is that we no longer have internet access at home anymore, so it's more difficult to access it, but mostly because I've realized that this last year 1/2 has been very difficult and it has slowly been building up walls around my heart... So now I'm left alone in this tower that I have built around my heart. People keep trying to climb up and around it, but I keep making the walls higher. Why? Because I'm tired of being hurt, being let down, getting excited about something only to watch it shatter into a million pieces on the ground. It's been a tough year, full of dramatic changes and now that school and the wedding are done, I'm left alone with myself with these wounds screaming at me. The only thing that has been holding me together through all of this is my wonderful husband, who has constantly been encouraging me to return to the Lord with my heart. He has been persistantly pursuing my heart, and I think we finally had a breakthrough last night. We spent part of the evening in prayer, and I felt my heart beat again... There is a long road of healing ahead of me, but hopefully time, and relationships and time with the Lord will help that process along...

I use to envy people who could seemingly "shut their heart off" when things got too hard. I used to the type of person who got upset over many different things, but now I'm just numb. I am what I once envied, and now I hate it. I want to feel again, but I'm afraid to... You'd think that someone with a counseling degree would know how address the issues of her own heart, but right now I'm at a loss. This is a start, writing it out, thinking it through, addressing the issues as they surface, and capturing the moments that my heart resurfaces. I know that I can find it again, it's just going to take some time....